Just a memory on the shelf.

I can't believe that this time of year i was in such a different place than i am now. I was so confused and so torn. Torn between who i was and who i loved. Things are so different now but the memory is still so vivid, as if it were yesterday.

5 days from now i experienced a whirlwind of emotions ill never forget. I remember not knowing how to feel that day or what to feel. I felt stuck. Stuck inside this trap someone labeled lost. I was running in every direction possible searching for a way out of the suffocating feeling called death. I had never really had to feel that before up until that point. I woke up and drove my crying eyes to meet someone and allow them to pick me up and go to the hospital to be there for her. She didn't deserve it but who ever does? She was so strong and so brave. I would have never handled it like she did, how could anyone go on without your mom? i can't imagine. I remember not saying much, but no one needed to. I just remember sitting all day next to her and being there. I remember staying with her all day for two days in a row until each night late i was forced to go home and sleep. She had so much courage and trust in God, it would have been ok if she wanted to feel weak but she just wanted to experience people's love around her, with words or not. She didn't need to be strong but she was. We all felt like we had to be strong for her, she was so strong though that we had to be stronger and it was hard because we wanted to feel weak and weary. I remember that first night after leaving the house she was staying at, i felt so tired and drained from hiding my emotions and trying to be tough. All i wanted to do was cry and be cared for. He wasn't there, he had never seen me like that, He didn't know what to do. I couldn't blame him, we just started talking, so i ran the opposite way. I ran for the person who did know what to do and did know how to handle me in this state of mind, who knew exactly what to say to take it all away. I shouldn't have, i didn't know the one that i believed couldn't handle me would end up being the one i loved, the one who now knows me better than the other and im so sorry for that. I should have put my faith in you but i didn't have any faith to place in anyone or anything and i wasn't willing to be vulnerable with you. Im so sorry. However, i remember the drive home that night, i remember sitting in my car crying and asking this simple question "what are you doing?" and him responding with "nothing, come over". It was like he knew something was wrong, this is why i ran to him. I hope someday you will understand that. I drove the 30 minute drive, and my eyes only grew redder and puffier on the way there. I pulled up to his house and he walked out. He climbed into my car and just hugged me, he knew i was in shock. It scared him, it scared him for his life and his grandpas life. It was just something we didn't want to deal with. We didn't want to accept. So we did what we did best, we cried, we talked, and he hugged me, and he kissed me and everything went away. He just had this way about him that was almost frustrating. I hated he had that control to make things better, i didn't want him to be that guy but i let him for a period of time and i am so sorry.

This a memory on my shelf, and never pull it out. So up until today, it has collected quite the amount of dust. But it is that time of year again and i cant believe how long ago it was when it seems like it happened last week. I don't want monday to come, i don't want to remember what happened that day or remember what i felt that day. I thought maybe if i pulled the memory out before and let all the emotions write themselves on paper that i won't have to face them again on the same day but just know it happened and it has only made me stronger. Guess I will see.